Thoughts & Shit – Stephen Js NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 15

1457748_654362544585045_1151779967_n

Chargers & Broncos

As much as I like Philip Rivers and The Chargers this season the fact remains they are, once again, on the outside looking in at 6-7 heading into Denver to face-off against the 11-2 Broncos.  It’s going to be a real hearty portion of piping hot poop soup for Chargers fans and their favorite team’s post-season hopes.  It’s too bad because I think The Chargers have had a tough schedule this season sprinkled with a bit of bad luck here, there and everywhere.  They’ve been in every game they’ve lost this season and are capable of beating any team as long as they can hang in there and not fuck it all up (which they manage to do often with great aplomb).  Rivers has had some incredible chemistry this season with (who should be offensive Rookie of the Year) Keenan Allen, Antonio Gates and Lil’ Danny Woodhead.  They won’t go down easy but like a John on the street looking to get paid, they’ll go down alright.

Manning’s currently sitting at 45 touchdown passes with 3 games left to throw 6 more to take hold of Brady’s record.  I forsee him coming within 1 or tying that record this coming Thursday Night.

This game should be a real great display of phenomenal offense against subpar defense.  Denver wins and San Diego, yet again, gets to watch the post-season from the comfy confides of their million dollar homes.

Thoughts & Shit – Stephen Js NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 13, Thanksgiving Leftovers

mixed-drinks-rum-and-coke

Sometimes when I suffer from writers block I find it best to pour myself a hearty rye and coke and let the creative juices do it’s thing.  I don’t have writers block but I’m having a rye and coke regardless so let’s have at ‘er fuckers!

Cam_Newton_during_the_2011_NFL_season

Bucs & Panthers

Despite having record doppelgängers (3-8, 8-3) this should be a very good game with The Bucs having won 3 in a row having just beat The Lions with an impressive air attack and defensive showing.  Too bad they have to face-off against a team just as hot on them.  The Panthers are a team on the rise with a ceiling of considerable heights.  The Bucs have some chemistry going and I don’t see them as an easy win for the rest of the season but The Panthers are the better team in this one.  Panthers go to 9-3!  What a turnaround.

Rob-Gronkowski-wearing-black-jersey-for-excellence-on-field-in-practice

Pats & Texans

This was a real piping hot ticket to get your hands on before the beginning of the season but has turned into a scalpers nightmare.  The Pats are getting their shit together at the right time and The Texans just keep getting worse.  Despite being in Houston The Pats should most definitely look like the better from 1st quarter to last.  I see this as an easy win for them with Tom & the new Brady Bunch putting on an air raid.  Look out for The Gronk.  He’s back and ready to douche it up big time!

ryan fitzmagic

Titans & Colts

Well, well, well Fitzpatrick has got some ‘fitzmagic’ left in the ‘ol wand.  He played very well against the, ahem, Raiders last week but a win is a win and The Raiders aren’t an easy win.  If they are to put together a string of victories together they have to get the run game going and it hasn’t really been there this season.  Chris Johnson’s time in Tennessee, I feel, is coming to a close sooner than later.  I like The Titans against below .500 teams but that’s it.

The Colts are an above .500 team but flailing of late.  The loss of WR Reggie Wayne makes itself more and more evident with each passing week and they need him back healthy soon.  As good as Luck is he needs someone like Wayne to lean on.

At home Indy will do just enough to get the victory but I don’t see it being impressive.

383820361_5260817368_o

Bears & Vikings

I feel like The Bears have officially hit that skid they seem to get going in the tail end of last few seasons.  They got decimated by St. Louis last week with St. Louis running hog-wild through their swiss fucking cheese D.  This week they get to face off against Adrian Peterson aka the best running back in The League.  A.P. always seems to get stronger as the season goes on with The Bears getting weaker.

Poor Bears fans.  It’s happening yet again.  Vikes win.

90349439804dda5d424f3e21c029cdf0

Cardinals & Eagles

I just don’t know about this one.  It’s a real bum scratcher.  The Cardinals have looked great as of late but they play absolute dog shit on the road in The East.  Eagles QB Nick Foles has thrown 16 touchdowns to 0 interceptions this season.  He’s looked superhuman but he hasn’t played a D or better yet a secondary as talented as The Cardinals yet this season.  This game should prove to be a real test to see how talented he really is.

When I sit back and drift off into prediction & proclamation zen the only thing that comes to me is ‘tie’.

Too close to call.

psy

Falcons & Bills

This is not a home game for The Bills otherwise I’d be choosing Stephen J’s favorite team.  In Toronto this is a neutral ground game and I feel like The Falcons are due for a victory.  They played well against The Saints but they just aren’t as good a team as them.  The Bills have been so up and down this season never having won two games in a row all season.  If The Bills D shows up and makes some plays, which they have been doing all season, they can easily win this one but as bad as The Falcons have been they are due and The Bills aren’t the kind of team to stop destiny.  Historically, they are the team you pass by on the way to your own destiny.  Oh, Buffalo.

hi-res-152853740_crop_north

Rams & 9ers

These Rams ain’t no suckas.  Despite having a bargain bin quarterback they are finding ways to win and stay in games.  If The Rams had an above average quarterback I’d be hard-pressed to go against them because their D if tough & nasty and they have some real  speed on offense.  Like most teams they play infinitely better at home and if they were I’d be inclined to choose them against an inter-divisional foe but they are on the road against a team with an equally tough & nasty D with an offense that does just enough to get it done.

All the criticism against Frico’s QB Colin Keapernick is nothing more than a spoonful of nutsack soup.  The kid is in his 2nd season and still figuring things out.  Great zeus, if The 9ers were a sub .500 team my right brow would be slightly furrowed but they are team on their way to the playoffs coming off a Super Bowl loss led by a guy with 20 or so starts.   Shouldn’t that earn you some sort of leeway?  Or is our “what have you done for me lately” culture truly gotten that bad?

Spock-Kirk-Vulcan-Nipple-Pinch

Broncos & Chiefs

Round 2.  Broncos win even more convincingly.   The Chiefs are hurting and Peyton will be on the hunt.  Expect ugly results.  Chiefs lose 3 in a row.  Ouch.  That’s a “nipple tweak gone too far”!

Tennessee Titans v San Diego Chargers

Bengals & Chargers

A lot of dingleberries with a head full of dingleberries thought The Bengals were a Super Bowl calibre team a few weeks back.  With Red Dalton as their QB they will always be a successful team on the outside looking in.  They started off well but had to play some real teams of late and their record is beginning to sour.  They have a lot of talent surrounding Dalton but their talent is not elite enough to win games around him.  He needs to step it up and I don’t think he can.

The Chargers are on the rise and putting up points.  In Cincy I see them struggling but at home I see Rivers continuing his air raid against any an all.

This game will expose The Bengals as the false contenders that they are.

628x471

Hawks & Saints

I’ll be at this game.  I shit you not.  My fame and notoriety has got me economy tickets to some 3rd row action on the 45 yard line.  I’ll be hobnobbing with Cool Brees, Russell Wilson, Marshawn Llynch, Sean Peyton and Rob Ryan in the locker room pre-game/pre-arrival/pre-knowledge getting the skinny on all the angles going into this one.

I’m on the road traveling to Seattle with my bud who’s a proud Saints fan and he’ll have to face-off against 66,900 or so maniacal Hawks fans pre, present and post-game.  He’ll either be the most demoralized and tormented man in the city or the most powerful.  It will be interesting to see.

It’s been a dream of mine since my formative years to see a Monday Night Game and I can’t think of a better game to go to.  The 10-1 Seahawks, who are currently indestructible at home, against the 9-2 Saints who are hot as free beads at Mardi Gras.

In the end I really don’t care.  I just want to watch the game.

But for the record ‘Hawks soar.  Caw!

Thoughts & Shit – Stephen Js NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 13, Give Thanks For Thanksgiving’s Sake!

DownloadedFile

Thanksgiving Weekend

Aw man, wish I lived in the US of A this week.  American Thanksgiving is such a great Holiday filled with big gigantic Turkey birds cooked and re-cooked every which way from Sunday, a constant supply of affordably priced domestic and imported beers, good company (I hope), great shopping deals and, of course, a Thursday filled with NFL Football.  What more could one man ask for?

Us Canadians have a good Thanksgiving too but it’s just not at the same level.  We have the turkey bird, the not so affordably priced domestic and imported beers and the good company but we lack the two most important things – great shopping for the ladies and a Thursday filled with NFL Football for the dudes.  And don’t y’all ‘Mericans get Thursday – Monday off too?  Grits ‘N’ Gravy!

Packers & Lions

A few weeks back this looked like the premiere match of the day with Aaron Rodgers and the high-flying Packers traveling to Motor City to take on Matthew Stafford and the high-flying Lions.  With Aaron Rodgers injured this game now lacks a certain panache.  This was supposed to be two inter-divisional rivals and long-standing foes going toe-to toe and touchdown for touchdown in a Thanksgiving classic but instead it feels like we’re getting some tofurkey & clear gravy.  To be fair this game is very important for both squads with The Lions sitting atop The NFL North at 6-5 and The Packers a game and a half behind at 5-5-1.  The Lions are not playing good football right now losing last week to The Bucs but I think they’ll pull it together and pull out a victory that will put them a step closer to winning their division.  Stafford has got to play better though if they are going to take the crown of the North.

Being a Packers fan this Thursday is going to suck schweaty balls but fear not Pack Fans ’cause it looks like Aaron Rodgers will be back in Week 14 and there is no reason to think he can’t lead them to victory against The Falcons, Cowboys, Steelers and Bears to close out the season.

Raiders & Cowboys

I know American’s team has to get a Thanksgiving game because it was written in the Declaration of Independence but could the people behind such things have chosen a bit more exciting an opponent to face-off against than Oakland?  Come on!  This, too, lacks panache.  I want panache on Thanksgiving!

The Raiders aren’t out of the playoffs yet but they are going to have to win out the season to get in (and even then, they’ll need some luck).  QB Matt McGloin, so far, looks good.  He doesn’t look great but for someone who was completely off the radar and undrafted his first few starts have been a surprise.  We’ll see how he fares this week against a good Cowboys D.  McGloin!

The Cowboys snuck out a tough victory against The Giants on their home turf last Sunday and they need to win this one to put the pressure on Philly to keep pace.  Dallas has been a strange team this year.  Very underwhelming yet several players are having good seasons.  It’s well within them to fuck this one up in front of the home crowd but I don’t think they will.  At home on Thanksgiving against a subpar team is when The Cowboys look their best so I predict we’ll see Romo put on a show.

Steelers & Ravens

They saved the best for last, didn’t they?  Thank you Football Gods of Canada for allowing us Canadians to work a full eight-hour day and have the opportunity to come home and watch a good game of Thanksgiving football.  Thursday Nights have been real humdingers this season and there is no reason to think otherwise going into this one.

Both teams sit at 5-6.  Both have aggressive defenses.  Both are cold weather teams.  Both have premiere quarterbacks playing less than premiere football.  Both hate the shit out of each other.  Seeing two inter-divisional foes battling for The Wild Card spot should be one helluva way to end out Thursday Night.

Big Ben has been playing better football over the past few weeks getting some chemistry going with the receiving corps and if they can get any sort of running game going they’ll put up some points.  Question is how will Baltimore’s offense fare? They’ve been ‘bare-butt-fart-in-yo-fuckin’-face’ stanky this year.  It’s a stench that would make a cheese connoisseur’s face green.  They just can’t seem to get anything going but they are still in the hunt and if they can put something together resembling a competent offense and manage to win this one they have a favorable schedule to end out the season.

I don’t like going against The Defending Champs at home but in the end I think Pittsburgh’s recent spark will shine bright in Baltimore this upcoming Thanksgiving Night.

Thoughts & Shit – Stephen Js NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 12, Part Deux

fitz

Bucs & Lions

Hey, hey, hey, hey!  The Bucs have won 2 in a row and their rookie quarterback is looking better with each passing week.  When running back Doug Martin went down they plugged in Mike James and he ran hog-wild.  When he went down they plugged in Mike ‘Fucking’ Rainey and he ran hog-wild.  Someone must have spiked the Gatorade in Tampa because they look like a different team.

The Lions are the most temperamental team in football.  They do a great job of falling behind early and finding ways to pull it out in the end.  Last week they did the opposite and came out firing on all cylinders scoring 27 first-half points against The Steelers and put up zero points in the 2nd half.  They seem to thrive on being the underdog.  Stafford to Johnson is the most lethal combo in The League but they can’t seem to find a reliable #2.  When Johnson falters Reggie Bush has a good game and vice versa but both never seem to have a good game together.  They need to find a happy medium.

I like Detroit at home.  They are not the underdog in this one so Tampa won’t be playing into their favor but maybe, if they are lucky, Tampa will come out guns a blazing and put The Lions into an early hole to inspire them to play well in the 2nd half.

Vikings & Packers

Sorry Pack Fans but until Aaron Rodgers is back in the line-up your favorite team is officially fucked.  The Packers success on offense is dependent on him running the ship.  Instead they have QB Scott Tolzien at the controls and I’d equate that to that incompetent Italian dude driving The Costa Concordia to close to shore.

The Vikings don’t have much going well for them but at least they can say that in 2013 they beat the Packers in Lambeau.  Yeah for injuries!  Go Vikings!

Jaguars & Texans

The Jags won a game!  That might be all they get.  This game is a good opportunity for them to win one more against a team with very low morale.  A team with low morale is like the fat chick in a group of hotties out on a Saturday Night…they give away the goods for little investment.  Case “Jalapeno Hands” Keenum gets the start and his gunslinger ways should prove to be effective against the hapless Jags D.  It could be a close one since no game is a gimmie in The NFL and The Texans have proved week in and week out that they are great at fucking up chances to win games in 2013.  When push comes to shove the talent in Houston is much deeper than the talent in Jacksonville so I’m going with The Texans.

Chargers & Chiefs

Phillip Rivers & The Chargers are a real conundrum.  They’ve looked great all year but they currently stand at 4-6 at the bottom of their division.  To be fair The Chargers have had a real shit sandwich of a schedule for 2013 but it is what it is.  If they are going to make a run for the playoffs this is the game to do so.

The Chiefs got their first loss of the season to the high-powered Broncos last week.  Their #1 D didn’t look bad against Peyton.  It was their offense that looked suspect.  Alex Smith’s dink and dunk, ball-control approach will work against lesser foes but against a high-powered offense they need to change it up and throw the ball down the field.  Have some balls for christssake!  You got an NFL arm so use that shit!  I see this approach working effectively up to a point.  Yes, they’ll make the playoffs and yes they’ll probably have 12 victories but the accolades will end there.  I can’t seem them making deep run into the playoffs.

I like The Chiefs in this one because they are coming off a loss, playing in KC and they have the #1 Defense in The League.  The Chargers have a spark this season but it’s a dim spark about to dim.

Panthers & Fish

That was one very impressive victory by The Panthers last Monday Night against The Pats.  I am thoroughly impressed.  They matched them touchdown for touchdown.  Their D made a play and caused a fumble at the exact right time they needed to to keep the Patriots playing from behind.

Superman Cam played with great poise and controlled the game.  It was a masterful game of keeping the other team at bay.   This was the type of game The Panthers continually lost last year.  It was a Patriots type victory against The Patriots.

This week sees them travelling to Miami to play the middle-of-the-road Dolphins and I see no reason why Cam & The Panthers won’t continue their winning ways.  Grits ‘N’ Gravy, The Panthers go to 8-3!  Look out Saints & Hawks!

Steelers & Browns

Now that the fad known as ‘Browntown’ is officially over for 2013 it’s back to business as usual meaning The Steelers will rape (in a non-rapey way) and pillage Cleveland’s offense, defense and special teams en route to a satisfying Steel Town victory.

Pittsburgh has looked better over the past few weeks.  That’s not saying much since their competition has been less than lackluster but they do look better than the shit show they were several weeks back.  Next week sees them playing rival Baltimore and if they can manage to win that one Pittsburgh will move to 6-6 with a very soft schedule to end out the season.  Hope is not lost yet Steelers fans.

Bears & Rams

I just don’t know about this one.  I really don’t.  It’s a real head scratcher.  It’s the battle of the back-ups.  Josh McCown vs. Kellen Clemens.  Truth be told Josh McCown is playing at the same level or better than ‘Double-Chin Cutler’ since taking the reigns.  Clemens isn’t playing at as high a level but The Rams are a tough foe to beat, especially at home.

Over the past few years Week 10 is when Chicago starts to fall apart at the seams so this game, in Stephen J’s opinion, is their moment of truth for this season.  Will Chicago fight the good fight and make a push for the playoffs or will they shit the bed yet again?

No need to clean those bed sheets just yet Chicago fans.  Bears win and keep their playoff dreams alive.

Jets & Ravens

Geno & The Jets have looked good against subpar teams.  The Patriots victory notwithstanding, The Jets have looked fucking God awful against teams with an above .500 record.

The Ravens aren’t quite subpar.  They are a hair better than that and they need to win this game to keep relevant in the post-season hunt.  This could be a real grudge match between two teams that are going to have to claw tooth and nail to make it into the post-season.  I think “Fucko No More” Flacco has what it takes where Geno does not.  I doubt we’ll see more than 40 points and we’ll see field goals aplenty but in the end The Ravens will soar.

Titans & Raiders

Who fucking cares, right?  Titans and Raiders anyone?  As I stated last week The Titans are officially fucked for the rest of ’13.  QB Ryan “Fitz-Magic” Fitzpatrick isn’t bad but he is far from great and he’s absolutely phenomenal at turning the ball over.  Furthermore, his noodle arm lacks the ability to make big throws down the field.  There will be no Fitz-magic this year in Tennessee.

The Raiders, on the other hand, have pieces in place for the future and they could squeeze out a few more surprising victories this season but it’s highly doubtful they’ll get past 7 victories.  They’ve got a motley crew of misfits and some of those dingleberries (like Rashad Jennings) have turned into real gems.  Brand new quarterback/flavor for the month Matt McGloin has some interesting potential and played very well last week but it will be interesting to see how he plays after opposing defenses have had a chance to analyze his methods.  The Titans have a good defense so if McGloin can manage to play well two games in a row the hype train will have officially left the station.

Let’s throw caution to the wind and say The Raiders win and keep the post-season dream alive.  Matt McGloin!  Matt McGloin!  Matt McGloin!  The guy seriously needs a better QB name than that. I say let’s just call him ‘McGloin’!

Colts & Cardinals

Another head scratcher.  I say stay away from investing any sort of funds into this one unless you are going for the jugular and picking a draw.  It feels like a 3 point game to me.  The Colts are hurt by injuries but they are finding ways to win.  The loss of Reggie Wayne has really hurt them and I think that loss is going to show this weekend against a fantastic Arizona secondary.  The Cardinals are flying under the radar this season but a win would put them at 7-4 and under the radar no more.

I don’t like Carson Palmer and I don’t like any of their running backs but Arizona’s D is vicious and a serviceable offense is all they need and they most definitely got what they needed.

Colts QB Andrew Luck always seems to find a way but I think the thriving Cardinals will be too much to handle playing at home.

Cowboys & Giants

Giants have won 4 in a row and when their backs are against the wall they always seem to play against Dallas.  Both teams desperately need to win this one.  Their season’s depend on it.  A Giants victory would put both teams at 5-6.  It’s crazy to think The G-Men are even in this position considering their shit show 0-6 start.

It’s in New York so The Giants have an edge but when I look back at The Giants 4-game winning streak I notice that they haven’t faced a starting QB during that streak.  Homo Romo is always a gamble late in the season but at some point he’s going to have to come out on top.  He’s got a plethora of weapons to lean on and I think he’ll be doing some heavy leaning on Whitten and Bryant.

I know The Giants play their best football in November and December but I think The Cowboys are the better team.

Broncos & Patriots

Manning vs. Brady.  For the past decade many of us have sat in front of the television getting fat watching these two duke it out.  They’ve had some real classics and I don’t see any reason why this one will be different.

The Broncos have more talent than The Pats but Brady and Bellicheck always seem to have a sneaky game plan against the premiere teams.

When I shook my magic 8-ball and asked it who will be victorious in this clash of the titans it responded, “Reply hazy.  Try again later.”

What a crock of shit, right?  That’s $18 dollars wasted.

Magic aside, The Broncos will make a big play late in the 4th.

magic8ball

Thoughts & Shit – Stephen J’s NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 12

187623132

Saints & Falcons

Before the season began many of us NFL enthusiasts dusted off our favorite ballpoint pens and marked this one down in our calendars as one to watch but what was once an anticipated inter-divisional rivalry game is now shaping up to be a Thursday Night turd.  The Thursday Night games this season have been reliably great thus far but this one is shaping up to be a real bore.  The thriving 8-2 Saints travel to Hotlanta and face-off against the hapless 2-8 Falcons.  I think it’s safe to say The Saints have the edge going into this one even though they are playing on The Falcons turf and no one in The NFL is ever unsusceptible to failure on someone else’s turf.  That’s just the way it goes.  Home is home.  At home you know where all the nooks and crannies are.  The secret spots.  You can walk around blind and always know where you are.  It’s a place where you feel at peace to pick your boogies, pee with the door open, scratch your itchy bum and let one rip without shame.  I don’t do that but I know you all do.  Shameful.

The Falcons are normally a very tough hombre to beat at home but this season they are a sorry bunch of dingleberries.  I’ve never really liked or believed in Matt Ryan.  He’s perfectly serviceable but that’s the problem with him.  He’s good enough but just not quite good enough.  They’ve surrounded him with some real primo talent in the past and he’s serviceable enough to make them make him look good.  But the talent is thin right now and the losses have been piling up.  It’s not all his fault though.  Their D is just dreadful right now and that’s yet another reason why I think the high-powered Saints will dominate this one.

Cool Brees is rockin’ right now and he’s got his team rollin’ and they are going to tear into The Falcons secondary like any sort of meat-eating animal eating fresh meat.  Who knows who he’ll target this week?  Graham, Colston, Sproles, Stills?  All of them, maybe?  Or will he let one of their 3 running backs do the damage?  Or all of them?  Even if their offense somehow falters they have The Mighty Zeus calling the shots on D.  How can you beat the most powerful God on Mt. Olympus pulling the strings on D?

Saints get sinful and put on a real horror show.

Thoughts & Shit – Stephen J’s NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 11, Go Out And Get It

Screen-shot-2011-03-03-at-11.05.30-AM

Colts & Titans

Jake Locker is out.  Ryan Fitzpatrick is in.  Sorry Titans fans but your favorite NFL team is officially fucked for 2013.  What looked like a promising season has turned into yet another season of supbar mediocrity.  Lots of talent and not a lot to show for it.  I’m not sure what awaits this bunch this upcoming off-season.  They’re going to have to invest in some more talent and stability.  Maybe taking a nosedive to end out their season won’t be such a bad thing.  The Titans are used to having a 1st round draft pick in middle of the first round instead of a top pick.  They could use a young spark in ’14.  If The Titans want to compete next season they are going to have to, in the words of The Black Lips, “Go Out And Get It!”

The Colts are coming off an absolutely embarrassing loss to The Rams.  Grits & Gravy, that was ugly.  I thought I was watching Reese Witherspoon get pulled over for another DUI.  The Colts have looked like a real contender all season but that loss put a real kink in their armor.  I think they’ll be hungry to erase the memory of that loss this Thursday Night against a less talented and cohesive foe.  Whatever the spread is this week The Colts will surpass it.  Luck and co. will get their shit together and put in a performance worthy of their hype.

Go out and get it Colts!

Thoughts & Shit – Stephen J’s NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 10 – Eh-Oh-Let’s Go, Yo!

Let’s keep things short & sweet.  Gonna give you some color-commentary soundbites to sit on and marinate leading into Sunday.

true-grits-glory-gravy

Hawks & Falacons

Grits ‘N’ Gravy, The Hawks go to 9-1 and all but solidify themselves a spot in the playoffs (and inch themselves that much closer to Home Field).  Scary.

snap-crackle-pop-2008

Rams & Colts

Snap, crackle and pop The Colts keep on winning games.  Flash ‘n’ dash be damned, Andrew Luck gets it done.

6931427330_2f193d5b79_z

Bills & Steelers

The Fonz says, “Sit on it Steelers fans ’cause E.J. Manuel is back you’re gonna get beat by Buffalo”.  Breathe in, breathe out and soak up that stench!

5fff302c-6051-482b-a8bd-adc3f929f6fenews.ap.org_r620x349

Jags & Titans

Uh oh!  Oh-oh-oh-0-16 alert!  Jags play yet another team they have no chance of beating.  Jake Locker and The Titans look good against a team that isn’t at all.  The Titans are beginning to rise!

flyer1374558950

Panthers & 9ers

This one is shaping up to be a motherfuckin’ Dillon & Dutch type armwrestling duel between two evenly matched foes.  I’m rolling them bones with a hot hand and putting blind faith in the emerging Panthers.  Eh-Oh-Let’s Go!

c71d4b312d4c1925420f6a7067003e89

Texans & Cardinals

Yo! Lookout NFL cause Houston QB Case Keenum is a handful-of-jalapenos-in-an-orifice type player.  The kids got spice!  Cards are ‘gonna come out pecking but Keenum’s gonna make some magic with those jalapeno hands!

tumblr_lm0a9sgedp1qao9sno1_500

Broncos & Chargers

This one’s got more action than a after-party hoedown in Game of Thrones.  Points and yards for miles, this one is gonna be exciting.  Watch this one!  You won’t be able to take your eyes off what you see!

drew

Cowboys & Saints

So listen up Drew Brees & The Saints – stop ‘danglin your berries you bunch of dingleberries and play like the Super Bowl calibre team you know you are.  Last week’s performance against The Jets was barf breath.  Look for The Saints to knock The Boys down a notch in what looks like another mediocre Cowboys season.  Saints march on.

197F956A34CF40D08DB5164DAF318D5D.ashx

Giants & Raiders

The streak for 2013 has officially commenced.  G-Men win 3 and a row and move to 3-6 with The Aaron Rodgers-less Packers next on the bill.  Oh Eli, you’re such a goof!

sunshine-state

Dolphins & Buccaneers

The Sunshine State goes to war.  The battle for all the oranges is on!  Winner take all!  Which shitty Florida team will be shittier on what should be a total shit show.  Actually, when two teams like this play it usually ends up being an entertaining classic.  And hey, at least you’re not Jacksonville!

The Fish find a way.  They are a slippery bunch.