Thoughts & Shit – Stephen Js NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 16, Thinkin’ ‘Bout Shit (That Matters)

Instead of going into the rig-a-ma-roll of all the blah, blah, blah for games that mean absolutely jack shit let’s move on to games that actually mean something.  Apologies to all the fans out there jacked up to see the Titans & Jags, Brown(town)s & Jets, Bucs & Rams but in all honesty, you know those games suck balls and it’s not me that should be apologizing but the teams themselves for turning in a season’s worth of bargain big performances.  They are the ones that farted in yo faces, not me.  I have more class than than those taint sniffers.


Fish & Bills

Of all the teams in the AFC on the cuff of making the playoffs The Fish have the easiest match-ups to get in.  This week sees them travelling to Buffalo, which is no easy place to win but if you are playoff team worth a dollars worth of dimes than this is a game you have to win.  Miami had an impressive character win last weekend against The Gronk-less Pats and look to carry that momentum into this one.  It’s going to be cold as a witch’s titty in Buffalo but I don’t think that will make much of a difference whether you are from Miami or Buffalo because cold is cold to all human beings.  Trust me, I live in Edmonton where icicles hang from eye lashes.

The thing that bothers me about Miami is their lack of a run game.  QB Tannehill gets it done in the air but he needs a reliable back to lean on when the passing game goes stale.  They don’t have that.  Luckily for them, they have a tough D and sometimes that is enough to get them out of trouble.

The Bills have a chance to play spoiler here and playing their final game at home is a great time to do so.  They looked good against The Jags but who hasn’t looked good against those dingle berries?  The Bills have more than a few nuggets of talent on their roster and although they have fallen below expectations this season 2014 could be the year they turn it around.  I’m not expecting a playoff run but I see them being .500 or better for the first time in a long, long, long, long, Oh My Lord that’s too long, long time.

The Fish win a close game and inch closer to a playoff berth.  If The Ravens can manage to beat The Pats this weekend shit is going to get real interesting in the AFC East.


Saints & Panthers

There is no better way for Cam & The Panthers to avenge the whipping they took two weeks ago at the hands of Cool Brees and co. than to beat The Saints on their home turf putting their playoff hopes in jeopardy.  In just a few weeks The Saints have gone from contenders to a big question mark.  They just have not performed well on the road.  It’s as simple as that and if they lose this one they’ll have given home field away in round 1 to Carolina.  That would be a real shit sammy to The Saints post-season plans.

I want to pick The Saints but with both teams sitting at 10-4 and The Saints on the road I’d be nuts to favor them and although I’ve said some nutty things on this blog I am not, contrary to some opinions, nuts.  Just a tad silly.


Colts & Chiefs

This could be a preview of what could be a 1st round post-season match-up.  What The Chiefs and Jamal Charles did to The Raiders last week was undeniably impressive but then I remember that this was against the far-from-impressive Raiders.  Seriously, 3 of Jamal Charles’ 3 receiving touchdowns were screen passes of more than 50 yards.  Sherlock Holmes would say, ‘through the process of deduction I can only conclude that The Raiders suffer from a deficiency better knows as shitty defense.’  Well said, Sherlock.

The Colts are a few steps above The Raiders in all categories but their recent play since losing Reggie Wayne is reason for concern.  They just don’t have the same spark on offense.  If their running game can step it up it will ease the pressure on Luck but such has not been the case.  Luck knows how to win and The Colts seem to find a way but playing on the road in Arrowhead against a very stingy D will be a tough task.  Tougher than Dildo Faggins protecting that stupid ring from all of Middle Earth.  I like The Chiefs chances and, as you can tell, don’t like Lord of the Rings.

If The Chiefs do end up playing on the road in Indy to start the post-season I will have a different opinion but for now I say Chiefs.


Cardinals & Hawks

Since The Hawks are 14-0 at home since Russell Wilson took over at QB I’m inclined to favor them going into this one.  If The Hawks win (and they will) they will clinch home field advantage for the post-season and all but lock up their spot as NFC Champions in The Super Bowl.  I said it two weeks back and I’m saying it again – I’m picking The Seahawks to win every game to end out the season and that includes The Big Game.  Go Hawks.

Ben Roethlisberger

Steelers & Packers

The Steelers put together a convincing Steelers-esque victory against The Bengals last week.  They looked like The Steelers of old.  I don’t know how much of that was The Bengals playing like absolute dogshit on the road (which often do) or The Steelers playing well at home.  Regardless, they are on the road in Lambeau playing against an Aaron Rodgers-less Packers team that must win to keep their post-season dreams alive.  It’s a tough call because Matt Flynn plays well at home but The Steelers seem to have found some sense of identity over the past few weeks.  Hmm, not sure which way to go on this one.  The Cowboys lost at home last week because they inexplicably abandoned the run game which was working gangbusters for them up until that point!  Very strange.  The Steelers aren’t so perplexing to pull such a stunt.  They’ll play balanced football pounding the ground mixing it up with a healthy dose of play-action deep down the field.

I’m inclined to go with the hot hand here and that belongs to Big Ben.  I should be going with the home team but Matt Flynn is just not in the same League as Roethlisberger.


Bears & Eagles

Another head scratcher.  An age-old rivalry between two teams with the same record going into the final 2 games of the season both needing to win out.  Shiiiiiit.

I thought The Eagles would have no problem beating The Vikings last week but they had problems aplenty.  The Vikings just had their way with Philly’s D last week and if you have trouble with The Vikings receiving corps I can’t imagine how bad they’ll be against Chicago’s.

The Bears squeaked by The Browns last week in a very un-impressive victory.  It was fun to watch and The Browns are no pushovers but a good team should be able to beat Browntown with ease.  If Alshon Jeffery doesn’t make that jump ball catch in the end zone it’s possible The Bears wouldn’t have won that game.  The Bears have the best outside receiver tandem in the League, a phenomenal running back and an above average tight-end but it just doesn’t seem to be enough to propel The Bears to the next level. Who’s to blame?  One issue has been Chicago’s complete inability to stop the run game and guess what?  This week they face-off against the most lethal running back The League in LeSean McCoy so they’ll have their hands full.

The Eagles have been an offensive juggernaut over the past several games but all juggernauting aside all they really need to do is hand the ball off and throw the ball just enough to keep The Bears’ D on their heels.  It shouldn’t be any more complicated than that.

Eagles win and take hold of their division leaving The Bears with a ‘win and you’re in’ Week 17 game against the ‘win and you’re in’ Packers.  Grits ‘N’ Gravy, that’s gonna be some exciting football to watch!


Vikings & Bengals

So The Bengals, as far as everyone can tell, are a team that plays well at home and sharts the bed on the road.  Luckily for them this game is at home.  They must win because if they don’t they’ll be playing The Ravens for all the marbles in The AFC North in Week 17 so win or lose this week they are still alive.

Ginger Dalton is their long-term quarterback but I wish they would see him as the ‘Matt Schaub’ type quarterback that he is.  He’s serviceable but not the kind of leader that wins Super Bowls.  They have all the talent around him to be at the forefront of The AFC but he is the problem holding them back.  Maybe it’s the ginger-ness.  It must be because let’s be honest, how many gingers are there in the world that are true leaders with countless accomplishments in their respective fields?  The only ginger I can think of seen in high-esteem is Nicole Kidman but she’s not really a ginger is she?  No freckles, right?  Freckles are the key.  Freckles must be the Devil’s birthmark.  Dalton’s got them all over, therefore he is what he is.

Freckle talk aside, The Bengals win but aren’t in the post-season yet.  They’ll need The Ravens to lose which brings me too…


Patriots & Ravens

…The Ravens vs. The Pats.  Goddamn, The Ravens are lucky.  They have been getting by on a series of field goals, miscues and bad refereeing.  That’s not to take away from their spectacular victories over the past few weeks as every game, this year, it seems is riddled with miscalls but it just seems to be The Ravens bread and butter.  If I’ve learned one thing from watching 25+ years of football (shit, I’m old) it’s that if you can stay in a game for a full 60 minutes you have a chance to win and that’s just what The Ravens are doing right now.  They are in it till the very end and finding ways.  They have the most exciting, head-turning, jaw-dropping, blow-your-load field-goal kicker playing right now and he’s ready to kick-up a shit storm against New England at home.

The Pats are in trouble but fortunate.  Even though I know they want to win this one and lock-up their division they can still manage to lose because they have a gift of a game in Week 17 at home against Barffalo.  Without The Gronk The Brady Bunch just aren’t a dominant team.  They lose that dimension of having a receiver that can take over games.  Right now they have some very raw outside receivers and several slot receivers.  Yes, the slot receivers are effective and getting better each week but you can only throw so many 5-10 yard slants.  They have to be able to stretch the field and right now they can’t.

I’ve given up going against The Ravens.  I, like Lady Luck, am officially on their side right now.  Ravens win.


Raiders & Chargers

The Chargers have an outside shot.  It’s too bad because they need virtually all of their post-season competition to lose and I’m hard pressed to think The Ravens, Dolphins, Jets and Steelers will all lose.  Like winning The Lottery it most definitely can happen but the odds are not in The Chargers favor.  It’s too bad because I think The Chargers in the post-season could be a very dangerous team.  They can beat any team in The AFC and seem to be looking better with each passing week.  Philip Rivers is on fire and there is no reason to think The Raiders swiss fucking cheese will be able to stop him.  His resurgence has been impressive and if it were not for Peyton Manning having the year he’s been having Rivers would be getting a lot more attention.  If The Chargers don’t make the playoffs this year I think a spot will be available for them next year.  They have been rebuilding over the past few seasons and it seems to be coming together now.  If they don’t make it to the post-season they’ll carry the momentum into next season.

Lightning strikes! Chargers win.


7 thoughts on “Thoughts & Shit – Stephen Js NFL Predictions & Proclamations – Week 16, Thinkin’ ‘Bout Shit (That Matters)

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